Joe Biden received a health scare recently when a poisonous spider bit him on the hand. Luckily, his female, person-of-color, vice presidential nominee was there to help.

"I got this!" yelled Kamala Harris as she sprinted across the basement, knocking over two men from the security detail before getting on her knees in front of Biden and putting her mouth on the older man's flesh. "They don't call me Hoover Harris for nothing."

"I've never seen anything like it," said Dr. Monroe, one of several physicians that tend to the former vice-president 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. "I swear, I thought she was going to suck the bones right out of his body."

Dr. Flanagan agreed and gave "mad props to that Willie Brown dude."

"I totally get his perspective," Dr. Flanagan said, "I mean, face and body-wise I would. But when you factor in personality, she's only a maybe."

"Come on, man. You don't bang the personality," said the presidential hopeful and #MeToo supporter who once sexually assaulted a subordinate in the dark dingy corridor of a nearly desolate building and then hid Senate records in a cover-up.

Come on, man. You don't bang the personality.
- Joe Biden

When Harris finished, Biden, whose son impregnated a stripper during a drug-infused one-night stand and then refused to pay child support until the court ordered he take a DNA test which proved him to be the father, rested comfortably on a couch.

But the spider incident has caused Biden's handlers to re-think the strategy of keeping their man in the basement. "He just wanders around aimlessly. He can really get hurt," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous out of concern that it would complicate a plan he intends to execute by the end of the day in which he pretends to get bitten by a spider.

Just then, Biden shuffled over to the furnace in the far corner of the basement. "Sure is hot in here, isn't it, pal?" He said to the oil-fired heater before an aide lured him back to his couch with some vanilla ice-cream.

"Ouch! A spider bit my dick!" cried an anonymous aide.

"I got this!" yelled Harris.